Exposed.

I am privileged to know some incredibly wise people who are open and willing to walk with me through life and share some of their wisdom with me.
Tonight, I was fed and watered and extremely encouraged by a loving couple who, over the years, have invested in me, prayed for me and helped shape who I am today.

After a beautiful walk round the park, we sat a while and talked and they shared stories from their past with me. Real, honest, life stuff. Stories of love and difficulty and hope and change.

One particular phrase flicked a switch somewhere in me; a sudden realisation of truth, and a new perspective on my purpose, particularly in the job that I do working with vulnerable young people and when I begin teaching next year:

When exposed to enough love, you can't help but be changed.

Not just 'a bit' of love, but enough love. Love that doesn't give up after one mistake, or search for reciprocation.. Love that keeps going even when it hurts and gets thrown back in your face.

It saddens me to think that so many people are not exposed to enough love, enough patience and grace, to see their lives turned around, to know that moment of change.
But it reminds me again of my purpose: to love God and to love my neighbour. Not just a bit, but enough.
As followers of Jesus, are we not called to love as Jesus loved us? To expose people to the love that we have known, so fierce and relentless, that regardless of their past or current experiences, they may know the freedom and the change it brings?

For while we were sinners, Christ died for us. He showed us enough love when we didn't ask for it or deserve it.
Let us do something with that love and expose those around us to the difference it can make.

New brothers :)

I got a text from my friend the other night saying:

"woahhh the amount of Christians I know on campus just doubled!"

Sadly not because 40 people came to know Christ that night, but because he got introduced to another group of Christians on campus.

Tonight I had the same experience.

Enter, Jesus Jam.

Never before have I seen such energy and passion for the LORD, in praise and worship and through study of His word in a student setting.

And my brothers and sisters here welcomed and embraced me, and taught me how to high five / low five (whatever) properly!

But before I go further, let me start at the beginning of today.

As I prayed and spent time with God this morning, I text some of my JJ (Jesus Jam) brothers with a verse and told them I'd be at their meeting tonight! One reply I got was 'Amen.. and God willing, we will see you tonight!"

:)

Praise the LORD for His will. I hoped I would make it!

At that point in my day, though, I didn't realise that today would be one of the most difficult and exhausting days of my Uni experience so far.

But my God is good. And in all I do He sustains me (Psalm 3:5).

After everything, I was so blessed by being at the JJ meeting this evening.

I am so thankful it was God's will!!

And I am thankful that God was truly at the centre of all aspects of this evening.

I saw love and encouragement in everyone there. We had fun together and the words shared were edifying and we spent time in prayer and pouring over pages of our Bibles soaking in the scriptures.

They don't have words up during praise and worship so I didn't know the lyrics to most of the songs but I remember one of the lines we sang declared (something like) "Even when trouble comes my way, You will be with me. Almighty God, You are my all in all."

There was so much truth in those couple of sentences. I saw that truth earlier today. Trouble comes, yes. But my God is Almighty and He is with me and He is all I need.

After the meeting, as they packed down, they sang in harmonies, more praise to God. Everyone helped out. And a bunch of my newly-found-family even walked me home.

When the body is in working order, it is so beautiful to watch in action, and it's so beautiful to be a part of it.

"..God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose.." 1 Corinthians 12:18

Thank You LORD, for the family of believers that is here at Keele.

May we continue to work as a body, in unity and for your will and purposes!

Don't let us hide our light, don't let us keep your love to ourselves.

But may the love we have for you and each other, overflow and spill out on everyone we see through out the day.

Amen.

(and goodnight!)

Dec 9th 2009 (1 year, 27 days)

I didn't write this post this time last year, but December is way too far away and I felt like re-posting this today. It's something I wrote at a time when myself, and a number of girls I knew were struggling with this:

I was talking with a friend last night. And God just got a hold of me and when I got home I started to write. I believe this is truth we all need to hear.

Amongst other things, I’m totally beginning to understand the importance of learning to love myself before I love others. Before I can love another.
My love for God, and desire to know Him more leads me to a place of knowing and finding out just how much He loves me and what that even looks like. I’m stunned by just how much he loves me. And even more so when I realise that He loved me first.
That any thing I do comes out of a response from the fact that He has loved me. He does love me. He will love me.

And it’s hard to love me. Seriously. I know me. I think I know me. And I find me hard to love.
My weight, my skin, my moods, my idiosyncrasies, my thoughts. There are things we all dislike about ourselves sometimes, right?

Sometimes I’m convinced that if other people knew the real me they wouldn’t love me.

But God knows the real me. Better than I do! He made me. Knit me together. Yes, knit me together – what a cliché. But when I think about what that looks like; it’s amazing. Imagine it. He weaved each thread of DNA together in such a way to form this functioning being, this human, this girl that never has been and never will be created ever again. He made me. And you.

And God is a perfectionist.
He’s God! He doesn’t make mistakes.
I have been carefully handcrafted by the most talented artist, sculpture, composer… I am His. He knows me and wants me to know Him. How could I doubt that He loves me?

Well, I’m flawed. Through human-error, not God-error.
And I forget that my worth comes from God – The Almighty, The Creator - and when I start to look for worth in what the world values (looks, nice clothes, guys, sex), that’s where Satan finds his way in and causes me to doubt God’s love for me.
I can hear the deceiver taunt me and begin to stir, as the beautiful girls walk past, when it doesn’t work out with the guy I like, when I crack a joke and no one laughs, when I’m disappointed with what I see in the mirror because I’m 20lbs heavier than I’d like to be…
If I’m not beautiful or funny or talented then I’m not loved. If I’m not making the standard, if the guys don’t like me, if I can’t lose weight - it’s my fault, I just need to try harder, right?

Wrong.

There could never be a more beautiful me. I find it hard to believe it even as I type it out. But I will keep speaking & singing it over myself because I know it’s true, I know I need to hear it. I know that for me, learning to love myself, means learning to accept that I’m already beautiful..

Say it out loud to yourself. Don’t feel stupid. I think you probably need to hear it too.
You are beautiful.

I know that when God made me, when He made you, He had a plan. He didn’t mess up.
And He’s not gonna make me lose weight, or make the guys fall for me, or make sex outside of marriage ‘ok’, just to show me how much he loves me. That’s not love. That’s conforming to the pattern of this world and being sucked in to the distortion that we think love is.
No. Love is wanting the best for me, doing all that can be done to secure a hope and a future for me, helping me to realise my beauty and value and potential.
God loves me. Period.
God loves you. Period.
He wants the best for you, He has secured you a hope and future.
He’s patient and waits with us, cries with us, talks with us, and will continue to do so until our perspective changes. Of ourselves. Of real beauty. Of love.

We are commanded firstly to love God and secondly, to love our neighbour as our self.
As our self. If I don’t love myself, how can I love my neighbour?

I do my best to love my friends and family. To be patient and kind, to not be jealous and proud or self-seeking or count up wrongs etc.
I want to love other people like Jesus has loved me.
I want to love my enemies.
And one day I want to get married and have kids and build my life on and centred around Christ, together with the man I will love.

But honestly, I don’t know how I can try to love any one else, in the way Christ has loved me – without first learning to accept and love myself. As Christ has loved me. I know I can’t properly view other people in the way God does, if I don’t first view myself in the way God does.

Loving myself doesn’t mean being selfish, or self-seeking, or vain or proud. It doesn’t even mean putting myself above others.
But it does mean looking out for and after myself. Accepting that I was made by a divine creator and treating myself with dignity and respect. The way God treats me. After all, I am His.
Loving myself means eating right, and exercising enough. Choosing to not constantly feed my mind the junk that’s on the radio and the fake images of ‘perfection’ in the magazines. Choosing to walk in the way God has for me, trusting that He knows best.

And it means looking for my beauty. My quiet and gentle Spirit that is precious in the sight of God. The me that was so delicately created for a purpose and to reflect God’s beauty and design.
And this requires me to search through all the crap that I’ve collected along the way and begun to call me. And then to let God refine me.
And carry on letting Him do this even though it freakin’ hurts and exposes wounds and hurtful words I’ve carried around as part of my identity.
Letting Him purify me, like gold. And wipe away the rubbish that doesn’t belong.
And letting Him keep doing this for the rest of my life.
Not making me more beautiful. But exposing my beauty. The beauty I already have.
When you find gold, it’s already there, it’s just hidden away. It needs to be purified. I’m not sure if that’s the right word, or if it’s scientifically correct or whatever - but you get me right? Upon extreme heating, it doesn’t become gold - the gold already exists, it’s just becomes pure!

Girl, I know sometimes it’s hard to love yourself. To even know what it means to love yourself. And to be satisfied and content with who you are.
I’m right there with you.

But I know, that if we could even just grasp a tiny part of the reality of what it means TO BE LOVED BY GOD, we wouldn’t be worried about all this stuff and we would know that He already created us beautiful, that He loves us. Oh how He loves us.

We sing that over and over and over again in the song, but we still don’t seem to get it.

If nothing else today, just tell yourself how beautiful you are and how much you are loved by the one who created you and cares for you. And then go from there.

I love you in the way I know how,
Take care beautiful girl x

If you get a chance today, listen to There could never be a more beautiful you by Jonny Diaz, 15 by Taylor Swift

Friends.

I haven't got anything to say today. Which is a first.

And it's late, so usually by now, if I'm still awake, my head is teeming with words and thoughts and newly acquired information.

But today, apparently not.

But I'll say something.

Because the title of my blog requires me to.

And just in case there was something to say, I'll say something, so nothing goes unsaid.

This morning I handed in two essays and a portfolio (yes, I deleted one of the questions in my portfolio because I couldn't answer it, and I just hope they don't notice. please note, I haven't stooped that low in any of my other work. thank you.)

Anyway, so work finally handed it. Receipts received. Weight lifted?

YES.

Time for a quick load of laundry?

YES.

(Admin and emails and boring stuff - skip that bit!) and THEN my beautiful friend Steffi phoned, coz we needed a catch up before she has an operation on her vocal cords tomorrow and so she can't speak for FIVE DAYS..

*1 hour passed*

And then I went for a spontaneous coffee with a friend. Well, more like a chat with a friend since we didn't have coffee and he had like 15 minutes to spare before meeting his tutor and the person I was supposed to be meeting never showed.

So yeah. By this time in my day, it's 2.30pm, and I realise I haven't eaten yet.

Fail.

But I got chips with cheese and beans (yay for student food!).

Bit of a chill sesh with the Chapel gang... (it's nice to have somewhere to go when plans fall through!!)

*1 hour passed*

..followed by a VERY EXCITING phone call from Jessie, who is back in the UK for Christmas.

*30 minutes and a bus journey passed*

And then went for Coffee with another friend. This time it was planned. But this time was also free from coffee since we both got Earl Grey Tea (it's sophisticated and really tasty. double bonus.) There were smiles and giggles and tears and God talk and girl talk and lots of encouraging words shared.

Good times.

Plus it was snowing heavy outside.

Even more good times.

*2 hours passed*

And so after saying bye, I caught the bus home and waited for 5pm to roll round as I was expecting a call from yet another friend, another catch up.

And there was less giggle and less girl-talk, but more God talk and stories shared and talk of christmas family traditions, and I'm sure many encouraging words too.

*1 hour passed*

And finally (pretty much, finally) - a girly evening out at the Sneyd. Great food. Even greater friends. LOTS of girl talk, reminiscing of high school and odd habits, and about the times of our lives when we never knew each other.

*3 hours passed*

My day today consisted almost entirely of time with friends. New ones, old ones, ones that are far away, ones I won't see for a while, ones I don't know that well, ones I know like the back of my hand, ones I'm looking forward to getting to know a lot better!!

The only thing I can say, is thank you:

'Thank you God, for blessing me with good friends. Friends who love and encourage me. Friends who lead me closer to you, and who inspire me to live a life of love. Thank you that I am not alone. That I can share this life with loved ones. Thank you for being the best friend anyone could know. When I have days like this, with amazing friends, I realise how far above it all, you are, God. Thank you for giving all that you are, so that I could be called your friend."

John 15:15 (the words of Jesus)

No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

I (don't) Promise.

I have learnt from experience that I can not keep promises.

Firstly, it is not fair for me to promise you anything. And if I do, please do not hold me fully to my word. For I am human, and with me, nothing is certain. I make mistakes. I fail. I forget.

I am not saying I won't try to keep it, if I happen to promise you something, and it will never be my intention to purposefully break a promise I have made in the past.

Even now I can not promise that I will no longer promise anything!

Secondly, it is not fair for me to promise me anything. Words are binding and controlling, and sometimes I say things I don't mean, in order to make the people I love, happy.

This is no way to be.

I don't want to be held captive today, by promises I made time ago, even though at the time I truly meant them... For I am changing. I am restless. I am not sure of what I want. I am growing and learning, and I realise now that I can not always hold true to promises I make.

And I am sorry.

But my God, He is steadfast and unchanging. The same today, as He was yesterday and as He will be tomorrow. He makes promises that He keeps. He is faithful and true. He can be fully trusted! It is fair that He makes promises, for He knows that He can not and will not break them. He will not let us down. He is good.

Deuteronomy 7:9

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God. He is a faithful God, who keeps his promise and is merciful to thousands of generations of those who love him and obey his commands..."

(GWT)

There are, however, two promises I will try my hardest to keep;

The first - To love my God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength.

The second, I have not made yet but if the day comes when I may say 'I do', I will do all in my power to hold fast to that promise.