February 9th 2010 (1 year, 4 days)

My words for today are life and death.

I woke up early this morning, so I could go for a longer walk to begin my day.

Around the block, across the street and in to the cemetery.

It was a cool morning, the sun hidden behind thick grey clouds. But it was peaceful and as I walked towards the grass, away from the noise of the cars, my soul was still and quiet.

I slowly made my way around the cemetery. At the time I didn’t notice, but in hindsight I recognised that there was no church there.
And yet God was so present.
And the memories of people of old who were believers, struck me and comforted me.

Row upon row. Flowers. Epitaphs. Ways to remember. To honour.

Lest we forget.

Worth His Life

You have no right to be shocked, if

when your time comes

no one stands to take that bullet you so deserve.

And therefore,

you have no right to not be shocked

that before your time even came

He stepped up there

and those nails through his hands paid the price for what was your debt.

You worked yourself in to that mess

(whether you meant to or not)

And for the things you have done and are yet to do,

you were indebted to Him, and deserving of death.

Yes, you deserved what was coming.

But with the bill still rising, He not only wiped away what was outstanding,

but with it, He wiped away

the reason for it and

the consequence of it,

and paid, in full,

what you could never afford.

While you offered nothing

He gave everything.

And this bought you life.

Do you feel like you were worth that price?

Well He thought you were worth His life.

Does that change the way you look at things now?

Are you shocked?

I am sitting next to my open window, in my dimly lit room, in silence, reading 18th century documents about the American Constitution.

I can hear the gentle hum of cars, and the birdsong.

I feel at peace.

My heart is filled with joy.

And my God is here with me :)

Hindsight and Memory Lane

It's 00.53am, and I'm beginning to regret 'popping' on facebook before I go to bed.

I started looking through old photos, and they've brought back some wonderful memories!

After laughing at uni photos and thinking about how much fun the last few months have been, and then to those taken over the summer (one of the best I've ever had, might I add), I inevitably stumbled across the photos taken during my last few days in Canada...

And now I'm upset.

Not majorly.

Like, nothing to worry about.

I'm not crying yet or anything.

But I was talking with a guy a couple of weeks back, about the decision making process I went through that led to me coming home and starting University.

I talked about not knowing the 'right' way. And praying for a clear answer. And feeling such strong pulls from loved ones at home (in England) who wanted so desperately for me to come back to them and to school. But also feeling similar pulls from loved ones in my second home (Canada) who also willed me to stay there, live with them, remain part of their family and invest in the life of their Church and in Pais, while they invested in me...

I told him I knew that those were my two options.

And one of them was best.

But neither were wrong.

I chose England. I chose University. I chose Mom and Dad and Matty. Zion.... everything else that was here waiting for me when I returned.

And that doesn't mean that I chose against Canada.

My love for that country still remains. And if anything, my passion for Canada and it's people has deepened.

Perhaps because I'm no longer there.

Anyway, so this guy I was talking to about my decision asked me how I felt about the choice I'd made.

I told him.

And then he gave me a chance to tell God too.

Something I suppose I hadn't officially done.

(I apologized to God too, in case I'd made the wrong decision, but more than that I just told Him how I felt about it all).

And then the guy, (his name was Stephen; I'll use his name from now on), so Stephen said,

"it's OK to grieve over the path you didn't take."

"Mmhmm" I said, not wanting to make eye contact because I wasn't sure I could do so without starting to cry there and then.

"It's normal to be sad about leaving something behind, moving in a new direction. It really is OK to be upset about it. And grieve. In order to move on."

Stephen is a wise man.

I forgot that I'd had this conversation with him, until just now, looking through these pictures.

Because when I saw them, the pictures of Jessie and Tera and I in San Antonio, of Brenda and Mario, of Kenzie and I at the hockey game having just got our noses pierced that day, of Morgi and I at the Asian Market, of my goodbye party at Erin's with the pool and the amazing cake and the lovely memories, I remembered how amazing the time I spent in Canada was.

I remembered the beautiful people I got to know and spend time with and love, and what a privilege it was to become part of their family.

And perhaps now this is me grieving.

And as I grieve, I know the LORD is close to me.

He will turn my mourning in to dancing (hopefully not literally haha! But He may surprise me!) and my sorrow in to joy.

I can rest in Him, knowing He is good and faithful, and honestly, when I look at my life here at Keele, I can not deny the presence of God in all I do.

My life is abundant.

I'm loving every minute.

His faithfulness astounds me.

He is at work every day, and I'm learning to trust Him more and more.

This path I have chosen, I am not walking alone.

Thank you Jesus.

Wasted

My room smells like stale beer.

And chewits.

Outside, in the corridor, there are strewn bits of duct tape and crushed cans.

I put them in the recycling before I came to bed.

It's the first time pre-drinking has happened in my room since Fresher's Week, probably. Largely due to the fact that I don't pre-drink, and it also may have something to do with the affectionate term 'clean freak', by which my friends refer to me.

We made it through the evening with barely any spillages though.

So that's all good.

Lisa and the guys were waiting at least 20minutes for me to get ready to go out, despite trying to rally everyone up and out for the last hour and a half.

But it's so windy outside.

It's 00.30am.

And those who are drunk don't care that it costs £5 to get in the Union this evening.

Since I am not one of the drunk, I am quite unwilling to part with that fiver, which has to last me until Sunday evening..

And so my night ends here.

But the journey continues.

:)

I've had such a beautiful day today. Filled with prayers, and answers to prayers, friends, good times, great food, quiet time in the library, singing, and even the odd bit of uni work!

And tonight, one of the girls asked me if I've always believed in God.

I told her no.

I haven't.

And I shared a bit of my story.

Her question led to a conversation about church, which progressed to proving (or disproving) God's existence, and then to the ideas people have of what makes a person a Christian..

As I spoke with her, I was reminded, yet again, that being a Christian is not about what we do. It's almost got nothing to do with us.

It's basically all God (by all, I mean about 99%).

If it weren't for God, providing us with that way to reach Him - we'd all have had it already. There would be no point to life at all.

Life would be such a waste.

But He reached out. Came down. Bridged the gap. Made the effort. Died even. Conquered death (and do we even really know what that means?!)

He did all that.

So we could know Him.

And our meagre 1% is this.

Believe it. Accept it. Acknowledge it.

Let it move and change us.

Not change us, like, change who we are. But change us as in, let it renew us, set us free, heal us, cleanse us..

And yet, rather than this response, most of the time we throw all His effort back in His face.

Some of us by not believing any of it (i'm not judging, I fully understand that it's not the easiest thing to believe..)

Some of us by thinking that us getting to heaven is based on how many good things we've done.

Others of us, by 'accepting' God's love and forgiveness but still striving to please Him like it will make Him love us more.

And still others, who know God and yet openly choose to ignore Him, or still live for ourselves.

To be honest, at different points in my life, I've fallen in to all of these categories.

Tonight, I hope I fall in to none.

I don't want to throw anything back in God's face.

I want to thank Him for having mercy, and patience. For loving me despite my unbelief. Despite my failings. Despite me.

I often find it so hard, but I really want to tell others about this love I've found.

This love that has found me.

I wish they knew about it.

I wish they could experience it like I have.

It's just so hard to put in to words, and then have the boldness to speak it out.

I wish that girl who was asking me those questions this evening, could know the fullness and the freedom that comes from knowing Jesus.

Not just knowing of Him.

But really knowing Him.

Know that He truly loves her. Regardless.

He loves me and you like this, too.

And if my life, in any way, displays the love that Christ has shown to me, then my life is not wasted.